He says he's not ready for a relationship

If he says he's not ready for a relationship, take that as what he can offer now. You can tell him what you want and decide how much time you're willing to leave the question open. You don't have to work out his hidden reason before you're allowed to make that decision.

The hard part is how ordinary the evening can stay. You finish dinner. He asks whether you got home. On Saturday there's something funny on your phone from him, and you want to know whether that means the sentence he said wasn't quite what it sounded like.

Of course you want to know. You like him. A man you didn't like could say the same five words and you'd be in bed by ten.

Does he mean he's not ready, or not with me?

You can't get the missing words by reading the ones he gave you harder. He may have explained himself. He may have left you with one sentence. Either way, you know what he has offered today.

In the chapter What If He, Blair puts “I'm not ready” beside “let's see where it goes.” Her answer is short.

That's not a no. It's not a yes either. It's a not now.

from the chapter What If He

A not now leaves something open. It doesn't tell you when that will change, or that it will. The part you get to answer is whether the arrangement available now is one you want to be in.

If his actual words were “I don't want a relationship with you,” keep the rest of the sentence. You don't have to soften a clear no into “he needs time.”

What do you say when he tells you?

If you've already told him what you want and this was his answer, you don't need a better speech. “Okay” can be the whole reply. It means you heard him. It doesn't mean you agreed to wait indefinitely.

If what you want hasn't been said, that's the sentence still missing. Not the reasons you'd be good together. Not how little would have to change. Just where you are.

Then give him room to answer. If he asks what a relationship means to you, answer that. You don't have to act as though wanting one is a small preference you could give up if it makes dinner awkward.

And you don't need to prove that being with you would be easy. That can turn into an offer to need less than you do, made before anyone has asked you to make it.

Should you wait for him to be ready?

You can choose to leave room for a later answer. You can also decide that you want a relationship now and this doesn't meet you there. His uncertainty doesn't choose your timetable.

Blair's example for “I'm not ready” is three months after you've said what you want and he has answered. The chapter repeats it: three months, not three weeks. At the end she clarifies once, then decides.

Those are my numbers. Yours can be different. What can't be different is that you set them before he answers, not after.

from the chapter What If He

That's a limit she chose, not a prediction of when a man becomes ready. There's no date here by which he owes you a yes.

If the conversation has already happened, write down when it happened. You can't choose a limit in advance of an answer you've already heard. You can choose what you're willing to leave open from here, with those earlier weeks still counted.

The chapter has four clocks because the situations differ. A man who stopped writing and a man who agreed to exclusivity but stayed on Hinge aren't giving the same information as a man who said “not ready.” Blair also gives a shorter example at forty-two, when she already knows what she wants. The four clocks are set out here. For the answer we're talking about on this page, her example is three months.

What if he keeps texting and wants to see you?

Then he keeps texting and wants to see you. You can enjoy a message without asking it to answer a different question.

“He asked me to dinner” and “he said he isn't ready for a relationship” can both be true. Dinner doesn't erase the sentence. The sentence doesn't require you to pretend the evening was bad.

What matters is whether he returns to what you told him, and what the two of you actually agree. A funny message isn't that conversation. Neither is your third private reading of it.

Keep the record small: what you said, his exact answer, what he did next. Leave the reason you think he did it on a different line. If that's the part taking up your evenings, here's how to separate his words from his actions.

And keep your Saturday. See your friends. Say yes to an evening because you want that evening, without making it a down payment on the relationship you asked about.

What happens when your date arrives?

You look at what happened without your arranging it. Did he come back to the subject? Did you agree on something you can both name? Has anything changed in the part you actually raised?

If it still hasn't landed, Blair allows one clarification when your clock runs out.

Clarifying is saying it a second time, once, when your clock runs out, with a line that says I'm not sure it landed.

from the chapter What If He

After that, you decide from the answer and the arrangement in front of you. You don't need a finding about his character. You need to know whether this is enough for you.

That may hurt while the facts stay simple. You can still want him. Wanting him doesn't oblige you to keep the question open.

If you're still finding the words for what you want, the sentence comes before the watching.

Knowing the number doesn't stop the urge to move it after a good evening. That's where having the words and the date in one place matters. Somewhere you can bring the next conversation, sort what happened from what you made it mean, and work out the next sentence without rehearsing his answer for him.

Find the clock for the answer he gave.

The twelve questions in What If He, and the sentences that come before them, are in Castles Want Queens, Not Princesses.

What if he later says he does want a relationship?

Hear that answer too, and be clear about what you're agreeing to. What If He gives “he said yes and nothing changed” its own answer. His yes matters, and so does whether the agreement shows up in your lives. You don't need to decide in advance that a later yes must be false or must settle everything.